Here is another journal entry I found, though it was not dated it had to have been around January of 2007:This was now my second miscarriage, and I fell into a pit of despair. I was feeling lost, confused, far away from God, extremely sad, betrayed by God, lost trust in God, numb and depressed. I knew I needed help in all aspects of my life, emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually but I had no idea where to begin and frankly I wasn’t ready to move at all. I wanted to stay sad, I wanted to morn, I wanted to stay put, in my pit. So I did just that for several weeks. I cried all the time especially at night. That’s when I would dwell on everything the most. Cody had never seen me like that; he knew I was not well. I wanted the world to know how sad I was and how hard my life was at that time. I even wanted people to join me in my suffering so they understand what I was going through. But people just didn’t get it. One day I went to the Christian book store to buy Christmas gifts and saw Beth Moore’s new book on the front shelf; Get Out Of That Pit. At that point I hadn’t thought of my situation as a pit I was in but as soon as I saw the title of that book it clicked. I was in some sort of pit, I didn’t know what that meant but I felt stuck. I love Beth Moore anyway so of course I bought the book. I think that was the first step I took to “get help”.
I’ve been a Christian since I was 11, attended church all my life, knew all the answers and I really DID know God’s love for me, His promises and His truths. But all I could feel was betrayed by Him even though deep down I knew that was a wrong way to think. I felt like He was hurting me attentionally. I was just so hurt and so so so sad. My story is the kind that you hear someone say, “There’s this girl, it’s my friend’s friend, and she has been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, and has had 2 miscarriages. Can you image…” I just felt so sorry for myself. I didn’t understand what God was doing to me. Cody tried to reassure me of God’s truths. He was sweet in trying to help me, but I still was lost. I knew I needed to just get right with God and that Satan was feeding me those lies.
I had to opportunity to spend a night by myself and for two days I just read Beth’s book and studied on it. The main verse of the book was Palms 40:1-10. And I researched those words and really tried to get into the Word. It was hard at first but God began to soften my heart. By the end of the second day I felt that I was heading somewhere. I finally got right with God, not to say that it was easy or happened fast but over the next several weeks, it felt right. I still struggle but I knew that I just had to stay true to God’s promises and truths, no matter what He brings my way. Faith is definitely something He is working on in my life.
I'll never forget that month of December of '06. I did'nt really know what depression felt like till then. I even remeber having thought about just wanting to go be with Jesus in heaven because that sounded better then being here. But again it is a reminder that what we know of God's truths should triumph how we feel. Sometimes that is a harder task to work on than other times.
Psalms 40:1-10
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Thank you Lord for lifting me up, for setting my feet on a firm place, and giving me a new song to sing! Even though it seemed so impossible, it never was for you.
Robbie Seay Band has a great song to go along with my NEW SONG TO SING. If you have his newest CD check out song 3. Here are some videos of him singing this song called: New Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owsap4Zs7bg&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CiuLKLHZqo&feature=related
I love the words: it might not be the prettiest thing you'll ever see but it's a new day
and it might not look like a beautiful sunrise but it's a new day.
I have jammed to this song in my car so many time just praising Jesus for my new day...from life in the pit to life lifted up.
