"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
I heard somewhere that my pain is not being waisted. That small phrase gave me hope and encouragement. I've always known these verses in James and believed them but there were some times that I was annoyed by them. I didn't want to grow perseverance or gain maturity, I wanted the hurt to stop. I didn't want to have a testimony one day just so I could witness to ONE person, I didn't want to go through this for someone else's sake. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted my dream just like everyone else got. I wanted to fit in, go to playgroups, not be the babysitter but PAY a babysitter.
I was so IN IT that I couldn't see an inch in front of me. I was obviously selfish for what I thought God should be giving me. I was so consumed.
Here is a journal entry I wrote May 21, 2007:
I realize that I deal with the same struggle over and over and that is remembering that what I know (God's truths) should triumph how I feel. I have been really letting my thoughts and emotions control me. I am consumed and even imprisoned with envy and anger. It’s like I learn this lesson then a month later have to learn it again. One thing I liked in this new book I’m reading is
(When the Cradle is Empty):
When it comes to infertility, the metaphor I like best is “journey.” I like it because a journey has a beginning and an end. It’s purposeful, not pointless. It implies activity, not passivity. Your journey will end in its own day and in its own way. I don’t know where yours will take you, but I do know this: Through faith in God, your journey will end with joy, not despair; with hope, rather than doubt; with fullness in the place of emptiness."
I also like what it says in 2 Peter Chapter 1:3-15 which came from the Sunday School lesson yesterday. He has given us everything we need and his very great and precious promises. Make every effort to add to your faith goodness, knowledge, self control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. For if you posses these they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if you don’t have them you are blind. And I think sometimes when I am consumed with my emotions and feelings I am blinded to God’s truths. Paul also says to those in the letter they he will always remind them of these things even though they already know them, he thinks it is right to refresh their memory. I definitely need my memory refreshed over and over. These verses also go along with Galatians 5:22, “The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.”
Kristi Poe spoke at this last support group and talked about Ps 139, how God has our life mapped out and he knew this would be in our lives, he had this planned for us since we were born. So the question is how will I deal with it.
I need to release my fears and my anger and my envy to God. Somehow, someway, I need to do that and I just don’t know how because I’m sure I will try and take control again. I guess it is a daily thing. To lie my troubles at his feet every morning. And that’s the thing, I want to spend time with him every morning, but I mess up along the way and skip a day, get lazy, put other things first.
I love going back and reading what I journaled. It is so refreshing. What I know of God's truths, His Word, should triumph how I feel. I heard that at church one time and it has stuck with me for the past few years. I just love that reminder. I do believe that God is okay with us feeling certain emotions, He created us to do that, but I let those emotions control me which meant I was taking it to a level I shouldn't have been. God is good...ALL THE TIME! Even when I'm hurting. I need to allow HIS truths to comfort me in those time and I know I didn't always let Him do that. But that is why we are always learning...Praise God for that!
