Watermarked by God

I remember being at a Watermark concert and Christy Knockels explaining how they got their name, Watermark. I believe she described the definition of a watermark and how God can leave an "impression" or mark on us...a time when God leaves an indication of His work in our lives. Just like the ocean water crashing up on the beach, leaves an impression on the sand. This is the dictionary's definition:

wa·ter·mark

–noun
a mark indicating the height to which water rises or has risen, as in a river or inlet.
a figure or design impressed in some paper during manufacture, visible when the paper is held to the light.

–verb (used with object)
to mark (paper) with a watermark.
to impress (a design, pattern, etc.), as a watermark.

Last fall was a true indication that God stamped a mark on my life. For some reason my transition out of "trying to conceive" and into "adoption" was a huge change in my life. Everyone handles infertility differently and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. As I have mentioned before I was very depressed. The way I used to explain it in my head was that it felt like I was trying to climb a mountain and someone was above me kicking me and pushing me downward over and over on the head so that I couldn't climb. I would even fall down a few feet each time. I felt bruised, beat up, and hopeless. I never saw that person as God by any means, it was just a constant battle to reach the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world. And each failed month, each failed IUI, each negative pregnancy test, each miscarriage was wearing me down and I finally came to the point where something had to change. I was tired of being sad all the time. I was ready to do something about it. My emotions couldn't handle it anymore. I was ready to adopt right then and there. Cody wanted to do one last IUI, and then, if that didn't work, we knew we were supposed to adopt. It took me a while to agree with that, but after we took a break for a few months, we went for it. I already had it in my head that we were going to adopt, but of course during the beginning weeks of injections and the IUI, my mind switched to hope that this IUI might work. When it didn't I had a hard time switching back to adoption mode. This time was the real deal, we were officially done with fertility tests, medications, procedures and doctor visits.

About this same time a friend invited me to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). This is an intense year long commitment to study the book of Matthew and to meet with other women once a week.

Also around this same time, we were asked to pray about teaching in the youth department at a different church. Cody and I used to teach Sunday School when we meet and starting dating and thought about wanting to get back into it again. This new church is much closer to our home and we had thought before about switching. After about a month of praying for God's direction and visiting the church, we decided to teach again.

With all this happening at one time, adoption, getting involved in a bible study, and serving in the church God began to change my heart and attitude. Since I was preparing each week to teach to middle schoolers, I had to be close to God, I want to say to these young girls whatever it is God wants me to say to them. When you are serving God, He changes you. I was also no longer consumed with the monthly trying, doctors visits, trying to figure out which step we should take next...because we knew we were right where God wanted us...adopting. I decided to take myself off medication, I wanted to go full force with adopting. Sure if we happen to have sex at the right time of the month and get pregnant, that would be great too, but I wasn't "TRYING" anymore and that was and is a great feeling. The pressure is off and I feel alive again. I can't even explain in words the difference it has made. Sure I still get sad sometimes, but I don't feel depressed and hopeless anymore. And sure we still want a baby of our own one day. But I feel like I have my life back. That mountain is gone and I don't have to climb anymore, it is in God's hands now. It always has been in His hands and I know I did trust Him even during the hard infertility times, but I was just so consumed with all of it.

This transition was a huge watermark on my life. I began to look back and see how unhappy I was and unhealthy. God chiseled away on my life during this trial, to make me stronger, to teach me and to give me a testimony that I can share about HIM! And I will never forget it, God left an impression on me!